Welcome To The Dumb Ox: A Collection of One Shots
by XxSilly LilyxX
Summary: A collection of funny one shots starring Dahj, a smart mouthed Tauren, Taja'ki, a man-hating, hotheaded troll, Cindral, a borderline Wretched, perpetually high Belf and Kishka, a money hungry Draenei who is also Dahj's mate. Get your lulz here.
1. Treasure

**A/N: **This is just a collection of one shots, as the title indicates. I'll be updating pretty much whenever I feel like it. Just to clarify (as if anyone has asked…) the troll isn't Darkspear, so I more or less made up her accent. Also, I'd like to say that I hope no one takes offense to some of the things that Dahj says. It's only meant in jest (and I –am- a female, so that makes it okay… right? –awkward cough-). I don't mean to offend anyone, really. We're all good friends here, right? Please, put the flaming pitchforks down… -ahem- Anyway, constructive criticism, as always, is encouraged and appreciated. Enjoy!

**Disclaimer: **World of Warcraft is property of Blizzard Entertainment and I do not own it in any form or fashion. The characters in this story are my own while the setting takes place in the world/universe of WoW.

* * *

**TREASURE**

"I give up! It really is pointless. How the fel am I supposed to have a battle of the wits with an unarmed opponent?"

Wide nostrils flaring in a boorish snort, Dahj shook his head reproachfully at the troll sitting in the stool next to him. "I mean, it's understandable that, as a female, you are biologically incapable of rational thought and even attempting to discuss reason with you all is akin to throwing acid in your face and watching you continuously scream, 'It burns! It burns!', but c'mon, Taj! Even _you_ should be able to get this. Ignore the logic melting your face and just accept it."

Unmoved by the tauren's persuasive argument, Taja'ki let her honey-hued eyes roll skyward before resigning to an irritated glower.

"'ere we go ag'in, Dahj. Wheneva' joo be losin' an a'gument wit' Taji, joo always be insultin' Taji so she get mad an' fah'get what we were a'guin' fah."

Smoothly, the troll slid the axes at her side out from belt, placing them on the bar counter top and taunting Dahj with a dangerous grin loaded with sharp teeth and even sharper tusks.

"An' Taji nevah does anyt'ing unarmed. Not wit' joo, at leas'."

"As I was saying," Dahj pressed on with the conversation, a part of him wondering why of all days was the Dumb Ox, the tavern he owned smack dab in the middle of Booty Bay, devoid of customers, or rather, given the current situation, future murder witnesses, "I think we should agree to disagree. We just aren't going to see eye to eye.

"It would be a damn shame if you killed me in cold blood just because I was right. As long as we've been friends, I think you at least owe me a much better reason to finally snap and smother me with your breasts, which, by the way, is how I've decided that I'd want you to kill me should the situation ever arise. I should die as I lived; ogling some woman's boobs."

Taji's eyes narrowed testily and her fingers inched toward her weapons. "Taji would chop off her cajungas an' eat dem bef'ah dat happens," she assured, the look on her face suggesting that she was completely serious. "But joo ain't right no way, so it dun mattah."

Dahj grunted, lifting his arm and crudely began scratching his furry pit. "Whatever, Taj. The only way you're _ever_ even remotely right is when you let your fists do the actual talking. Like every other woman, when you start to sense that a man _may_ know what the fel he's talking about, your first instinct is to beat the shit out of him. This is why men will always be more interested in the holes in women that _don't_ talk."

Murderous intent clearly written all across Taji's face in large, bold letters, the troll leapt up from her seat and snagged Dahj's snout ring in a fearsome grip, other hand in a fist cocked back behind her ear just as a blood elf stepped out from the kitchen.

"Cin! Just who we need! You can settle this," Dahj exclaimed, just as his life ceased flashing before his eyes. "See, Taj and I can't agree on who'd be better in bed: Tyrande or Jaina. I say Jaina, 'cause, let's face it, you can just tell she's the dominatrix type. Plus, with all those unresolved daddy issues she's repressing, she's a ticking time bomb of unbridled sexual frustration.

"But Taj keeps going on about how Tyrande would be a total freak under the sheets and would know a few elven tricks that would have you calling out for Elune. You gotta' set this chick straight. Give her a real man's opinion… then run, because after she's done maiming me, you're next."

Unfocused eyes bouncing between the two, Cindral blinked lethargically for an uncomfortable span of time, appearing to have completely forgotten the question until he replied, methodically, "Thrall. He seems like he'd be the pleaser type who would really treasure you and make you feel special."

Taja'ki released Dahj, the urge to cause him bodily harm suddenly redirected at the skinny elf.

"… Cin, you know when you ask if you can join in our conversations and Taj and I say 'fuck no'? That's why," said Dahj, sighing long and deep as he rubbed at his throbbing snout. "What did you come in here for anyway? I thought you were helping Kish in the kitchen?"

Cindral's head tilted at an odd angle, as if confused by the question. "I'm not sure. Probably something to do with this."

The tweaked sin'dorei slowly reached into the brown sack he had inexplicably dragged out of the kitchen, pulling out a tightly bound gnome by his ankle.

"Got caught in one of the traps," Cindral explained, poking the gnome in the cheek with one slender finger and nearly retracting a nub as the creature attempted to sink his teeth into the elf. "Kish told me to dispose of it or it might attract others."

"Don't kill me!" cried the gnome, squirming and writhing helplessly in the air. "I-I'll give you my treasure!"

Dahj's ears perked. "Wait, Cin," he said, getting up from his seat and making his way over to the dangling gnome. "You were saying, gnome?"

Face flushed red and milky, luminescent eyes wide and round with fright, the gnome began to babble, "My name is Leper. Leper Con. Since you've managed to capture me, I'm obligated to give you all my gnomish treasure! However, you have to let me live. That's the deal."

Stroking his braided beard, Dahj's slate grey eyes studied the gnome carefully before he next spoke.

"Fine. Cin, set him down."

On command, the elf let the gnome plummet to the floor, ignoring the tiny man's heated claims that Cin had sexual encounters with his mother and insinuating that the sin'dorei's parents were indeed not betrothed when he was conceived. Dahj untied the gnome only to use the rope as a leash looped tightly around the gnome's neck.

"Alright, Con. Lead the way. And just so you know, if you're jerking our chain--"

The tauren jerked his head in Taja'ki's direction.

"—you'll have to deal with her. If you didn't know, when tricked or threatened, a woman will shoot corrosive venom from her vagina at the nearest male, so just keep that disturbing little fact in mind."

Hearing Taji lift her weapons from the counter, Dahj hurried toward the exit, making a mental note that the troll was losing her touch as the axe now embedded in the door had only managed to slice off the jagged end of his nail rather than lobbing off the tip of a finger like always.

"So where be dis treasah?" inquired Taji, eyeing the gnome as she walked between Dahj and Cindral.

"It was stolen by pirates," Leper Con admitted, a scowl wrinkling his sickly, green face. "But I'm quite certain that you all will be able to recover my, er,_ your_ treasure."

"Hey guys," Cin interrupted suddenly, scratching at the back of his head. "You ever notice how 'pirate' is like, 'pie' and 'rat' put together? But they look nothing like rats in pies. You think they would, ya' know, live up to their name and stuff. S'weird, man."

Slowly, Dahj nodded. "Okay, Cin just forfeited his share of the treasure. I can live with that. Where are these damn pirates anyway, we haven't even left the Bay yet."

At this, the leper gnome suddenly pulled the tauren towards an alley, where they all squeezed through and, upon coming out the other side, stood staring at an out the way, seedy looking building. In black, sloppy writing, the sign on the door read, _The Pirate's Booty_.

Dahj stroked his beard thoughtfully. "So… your so-called 'treasure' is in there?"

The gnome nodded twice and said, reassuringly, "Leper Con never tells a lie!"

"But the question begs to be asked," continued Dahj, not quite convinced. "Why would pirates of any sort, assuming that they're not Blackwater Raiders, set up shop smack dab in the middle of Booty Bay and, not only that, place such an obvious sign indicating that they are, indeed, pirates?"

Before the gnome could respond, Taja'ki cracked her knuckles loudly, pushing past Dahj impatiently.

"Dis be borin'. Let's jes git dah treasah an' go, ja? C'mon, Cin. Fah ev'ry pirate joo kill fastah den Taji, she give joo a shiny coin, ya' feel meh?"

An unnatural grin split the blood elf's features, revealing two rows of pointed teeth as his Wretched powers began to waken and stir.

"Shhhiny! Aroooooo!" Cin shouted, taking off in a lumbering gait toward the mysterious building and plowing through the door.

Not to be outdone, Taja'ki gripped her axes, gave them a fond, anticipatory twirl and barreled her way inside mere seconds behind Cindral.

Only Leper Con and Dahj remained, the tauren still stroking his beard, contemplating, even amidst the chorus of screaming and pandemonium wafting through the completely demolished front door of the _Pirate's Booty_. When at last the tepid sea air became eerily quiet, Dahj dared to venture forward, the gnome clinging to the tauren's leg, much to Dahj's disgust.

The tauren couldn't mask the shock on his face as he stepped inside… and was _not_ greeted with the usual macabre mural of carnage and death. There were moaning and injured human forms littered on the floor, but aside from the fact that they looked as if they had been hit by a tram, they were definitely alive.

"Dahj, dese pirate no'ra fight back," Taji complained upon noticing Dahj, sliding a hand through her orange braids in confusion. "Dey donna' even have no weapons."

Cindral mumbled something inaudible in agreement, eating some unidentifiable substance in vacant corner of the one room establishment. Dahj took a better assessment of their surroundings. There was a bar, plenty of tables, no windows, and a raised, wooden stage on the far wall. Taja'ki and Dahj exchanged knowing looks, having been in countless buildings of similar design.

"… why are we attacking a strip club?"

Leper Con tugged nervously at the rope that suddenly felt uncomfortably tight around his neck, swallowing audibly.

"Well, they were dressed like pirates, and it was dark… but they _did_ steal my treasure! I didn't lie!"

Just as Dahj began to wonder if his wife would know how to get the stench of leper gnome goop off his hooves, a door off to their right slowly opened, revealing a scantily clad female gnome.

"Con!" she exclaimed, rushing out of the room towards the others. Stopping abruptly in front of the leper gnome, she did not hesitate in raising a pudgy hand and slapping the hell out of Con.

"What are you doing here, you low life? Come to beg Treasure to come back to your pathetic club that nobody ever visits?"

Con made a face, although, considering his face was already incredibly ugly, it was hard to tell. "Hardly. I just came to get payback for these bastards stealing my girls. And, as part of the deal, I'm letting these guys here do what they want with you ingrates. I'm sticking to the honest profession of slave trading from now on."

The leper gnome whistled loudly, looking to the door Treasure had appeared from expectantly. "You hear that, Jewel, Gem, Garnet, Ruby, Amber and Sapphire? Get out here and meet your new owners!"

On cue, six heavily made-up, provocatively dressed gnomes poured out of the room, crowding around Dahj, Taja'ki and Cindral.

"Well, there you go," said Leper Con, clapping his hands together. "My Treasure. And I'm even throwing in Jewel, Gem, Garnet, Ruby, Amber and Sapphire. You can't beat that!"

When not one of the three hovering above him responded, the leper gnome cleared his throat uneasily, urging, "Go ahead! They're all yours! Grab a handful of Treasure's chest! Go on!"

Eye twitching in suppressed ire, Dahj tossed an arm over Taj's shoulders, pointing at the handful of gnomes before them, growling, "Taj, I believe the shooting of corrosive venom is in order. Just try not to get any on Cin or me, alright? And remember: have fun and try to treasure the moment because I know I will."

Taja'ki let her tongue flick to the underside of her tusk, bloodlust already smoldering in her eyes.

"Finally, somet'ing we c'in agree on."

Leper Con, the unlucky gnome, whimpered pitifully and as his last dignified act, covered himself in golden yellow cowardice.

"Where have you three been?" Kishka asked curiously as the weary trio meandered their way back into the Dumb Ox.

Dahj grunted in reply, mumbling, "Burying Treasure… among other things. What's that?"

He pointed to the murloc cookie jar she was cradling in her arms. "You remember this don't you?" the draenei stated, furrowing her eyebrows in accusation. "Well you should, considering the rainy day money I've been keeping in here is missing. And you're the only one I know who would take it. Probably to go to some strip club or something, you shameless jerk."

Disregarding Dahj's blank stare and stammering denials, Kishka set the jar down harshly, glaring serrated daggers at the clueless tauren.

"You can definitely forget about doing anything with me tonight. I hope you and _Jaina_ have a wonderful time sleeping on the floor in the kitchen."

And with this said, Kishka turned and walked away, the distant slam of the door heard moments later.

"Yeah, Dahj?" Cindral slowly drawled, blinking at the slack-jawed tauren. "I meant to tell you, that gnome, remember him? Yeah, he kinda' stole the money in that jar that doesn't have cookies. Kinda' sucks that you can't get it back now."

Trembling with rage unfathomable, Dahj sank to his knees and threw his arms into the air, cursing whatever murky depths the leper gnome was now decomposing in with a soul-quaking bellow that echoed through the depths of the Void and beyond.

"**CON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**"


	2. Under The Rain

**A/N**: Just thought I'd mention that all this was written Pre-WotLK. I stopped playing before it came out. I'm not sure if that affects any of these one shots but just throwing that out there in case it does. Toodles!

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**UNDER THE RAIN**

Nothing is ever as easy as it seems.

From past experience, Dahj knew this all too well. He ran and owned his own tavern in Booty Bay, and on a scale from "I could even do this in a coma" easy to "holy fecking shiz-balls my brain just had a heart attack!" hard, Dahj would have rated it somewhere around the latter. However, today was looking pretty damn good so far. Cumulus clouds had gotten knocked up by some ne'er-do-well water molecules and, just a few hours later, the cloud's swollen womb had been c-sectioned, and proudly birthed an unexpected afternoon shower.

It's a disturbing image, but that's what happened. It had started raining. And this suited Dahj just fine. He hadn't seen hide nor hair of a customer in hours, people less willing to risk becoming soaked through to their day of the week skivvies and smelling like eau de wet dog snogging a dead, bloated murloc in order to toss a few back with other equally soggy and malodorous drunks.

In this rare moment of peace, the large tauren was leaning back into a chair, hooves propped on a table, fast asleep, dreaming beautiful dreams starring him, attractive women in skimpy armor and Cairne providing smooth, soulful baby-making music in the background. This was slightly different from his usual dreams; normally Thrall was the guest star, completely sauced, with a lampshade on his head and singing karaoke style.

Taja'ki, his trollish friend who knew him better and longer than anyone (which prompted unending hatred from him), was contently sharpening her axes and polishing her brass knuckles, humming a cheery ditty as she lovingly cleaned away blood, organ bits, brain matter, tooth dust, and gods knows what from her "babies".

Cindral, the manic-depressive sin'dorei was busy inhaling liquor like it was air, as apparently drinking himself stupid was the only thing that kept him from getting his mana-fix on.

And Kishka, Dahj's slap-happy, draenei life partner, was occupied with doing those little womanly householdish things that women like to amuse themselves with. Stuff like cleaning, sweeping, washing and cooking.

Though Dahj was lost in dreamland singing backup to Cairne's love ballads, he had this sinking, uneasy feeling in his gut that he only got after eating his wife's unpalatable cooking or when something really stupid and annoying was about to happen.

As if cuing the Stupid Parade to begin, the bell to the door of the tavern tinkled loudly, snatching Dahj from his duties of judging the wet tunic competition.

"Welcome to the Dumb Ox. What can we do for you today?" Kishka greeted, slapping on her patented 'please give me money' smile.

The orc seemed uncertain, glancing at the people in the room curiously before replying, "I heard you all do odd jobs… is that true?"

"Dat be us'ns," Taji confirmed with a wink and a nod, fastening her axes back at her sides and slipping her brass knuckles into her shirt. "Show us da' coins an' we do anyting ya' wan'."

Cindral removed his face from his mug and spun in his chair, assessing the man with glassy eyes. "Except for kill people. We don't do that." The elf was interrupted by a wet hiccup. "At least not a lot."

"Uhh… right," The orc continued, already beginning to regret the words about to come out of his mouth, "I need a package delivered. That's all. I will pay you once you've confirmed the package has been received by the correct person."

He stepped further into the tavern to pass Kishka an inconspicuous looking box. As the package was exchanged, something inside rolled around audibly.

Hugging the box to her chest protectively, the draenei smiled reassuringly, stating, "Rest assured that this package will be in safe hands and that, without a doubt, it shall be safely delivered to the correct recipient by one of our experienced professionals."

Dahj was fervently feigning sleep as his mate walked up to him. They both knew he wasn't fooling anybody, but he was hoping she would take the hint and send one of the other two to do the job. Alas, no such luck.

"Dahj, I know you're awake."

"… No I'm not," he muttered, sleepily, not budging an inch.

"… Then how is your hand on my butt?"

Dahj squeezed said butt experimentally. "Why Jaina, you've gotten a little profuse in the caboose, haven't you? I mean, I like a little meat in the seat but maybe you should consider laying off the strawberry milkshakes I hate so much—"

Scowling, Kishka grabbed the smart mouthed tauren's snout ring and pulled, taking Dahj's face and the rest of him after it as he was forced to sit upright. Flashing his tonsils in an obnoxious yawn, Dahj blinked at Kish, smiling pleasantly despite the fact that the woman still had her hands twined around his snout piercing.

"Oh, hey honey. I was just dreaming about you. Need me for something?"

Rolling her eyes skyward with a sigh, Kishka released Dahj and placed the box on the table, sliding it towards the tauren.

"Yes. Tell 'Jaina' that your wife wants you to deliver this box."

"I don't think so. Send one of those other two goons to do it and leave Jaina and me to our… private negotiations."

In a very unladylike fashion, Kishka snorted, but refused to humor the bull-man. "And why can't you do it?"

Dahj considered this. "It's raining gnomes and troggs out there."

"So?"

"My fur will get wet," he insisted, already beginning to lean back more comfortably into his chair. "And I just had it permed."

Tossing an apologetic smile over her shoulder at the waiting orc, Kishka grasped Dahj by the horns and brought her face close to his, hissing, "If you haven't noticed, Dahj, business has been slower than usual this week. We need a little money coming in right now. Badly. So, either you deliver this package or I start delivering your organs to the Goblin black market. Besides, it's very simple. Deliver the package. Come back. I'm sure even you can wrap your brain around that, right?"

Detaching his wife's hands from his horns, he rose to his hooves, muttering, "Well, since you _nagged_ me so nicely…"

Noticing three other sets of eyes were upon him, Dahj added, a little louder, "Yeah, so, we both know now who wears the hooves in this relationship. And don't forget it."

Ignoring Kishka and Taji's disbelieving chortles, he gestured toward the blood elf. "C'mon, Cin. Let's get this over with."

"Taji," Kishka piped up, turning to face the other woman. "Could you please go with them and make sure that they don't screw things up? I hate to ask you to babysit on such short notice but I've got to stay here in case any customers wander in."

It was Dahj's turn to snort boorishly. "Why bring her? Everyone knows that women are like walls; they're only good for holding large racks and getting nailed."

Having extended prior practice, Dahj dodged Kishka's well aimed slap, half smirking at her foiled attempt. The half smirk, however, was quickly replaced with a grimace upon feeling Taja'ki's two broad knuckles working their way into his kidney.

Disregarding Dahj's grunt of pain, Taja'ki nodded, exposing her tusks in a roguish smile. "T'ain't no pro'blem dere, Keesh. Taji do anyting fo' joo. Joo be a smart wooman bu' Taji no'ra be unnerstan'in how joo be fallin' fo' 'un li' Dahj."

"How many times do I have to tell you to quit hitting on Kish?" Dahj asked, dislodging himself from Taji's steel grip. "She wouldn't cheat on me with you. Unlike you, she understands the meaning of 'monogamy."

"Well, technic'lly," Taji said with a sly grin, "Eatin' ain't cheatin'."

Dahj blinked. Three times. Then three more. "Okay, there are two ways I could take that… both of which make me want to scream like a prepubescent choir boy whose balls haven't dropped yet until I pass out from the lack of oxygen, hopefully resulting in enough brain damage for me to forget what you just insinuated."

He took a deep breath.

"However, for the sake of time, I'll just kill all the brain cells related to the past thirty seconds of conversation."

Dahj squeezed his eyes shut, jerked spasmodically for a brief second then slowly re-opened his eyes.

"Okay. All better." The tauren snatched an oversize hooded cloak from the coat rack near the door, addressing a question to the slack jawed orc still gaping at him and his friends.

"So, where do I need to take this?"

"Right…" the orc began, snapping back to reality. "The tailor who owns that shop just down the way. It's called _Sew What?_ The owner's name is Raool Flamingblaze and he's expecting the package."

Dahj grunted in acknowledgment, but paused to place a hand on the orc's shoulder as he passed. "Just one question. Why couldn't you deliver the box yourself? I mean, you already made it this far…"

The orc blinked. "It started raining and I didn't want to get caught in it—"

Dahj stopped the man there, raising his hand dismissively. "… forget I asked."

Grumbling darkly under his breath, Dahj sourly donned his hood and stepped out into the rain.

~*O*~*O*~*O*~*O*~*O*~*O*~*O*~*O*~*O*~*O*~

The rain wasn't as bad as Dahj had made it out to be. In fact, he was relatively dry and snug in his cloak. And better still, the job was simple. Deliver the package. Get the hell out. Sit on his ass the rest of the day. Simple enough… if things were ever simple. Which they never were, despite how they seemed. Just one of those cosmic jokes that nobody finds funny when it happens to them.

Dahj spotted _Sew What?_ and promptly knocked on the door, trailed by his two partners.

He was almost home free.

Almost.

"Daddy!" The door was practically thrown open with enthusiastic force, propelling a pretty, raven haired sin'dorei out past the door frame and careening into Taji, who blinked in surprise.

"Whose yo' daddeh?" Taji inquired, slightly confused but not stopping her from hugging the woman closer. "Taji may no'ra be ya' daddeh bu' joo c'in call Taji 'mommy' all joo wan'."

Cindral, who was sober now and busy rolling up a leaf of bloodthistle, admonished, halfheartedly, "Taji! Down girl! Gods, I keep on telling Dahj to remember to get you spayed…"

Before Dahj could even get his two cents in, another figure launched themselves from the doorway, latching themselves onto the tauren for dear life.

"RAOOOOOOOL!" the male sin'dorei howled, sobbing into Dahj's chest.

The mixed look of horror, disgust and shock froze on Dahj's face for a good three minutes before he could form coherent words.

"If you don't get the hell offa' me in about three seconds… I swear… I will end you."

The smaller man sniffled loudly, whimpering a distraught, "Sorry!" before wiping his face across Dahj's furry chest and taking a few steps back.

"Oh come on!" the tauren exclaimed, half a second away from throttling the blood elf for smearing mucus, saliva and teardrops into his fur.

"I'm like, so sorry!" the man apologized again, trying to compose himself. "I thought you were Raool."

Cin looked up from his blunt. "Wait… so Raool isn't here?"

The other elf shook his head, choking back another sob working its way up. Dahj's eye twitched.

"Cud sucking, mother humpin', bullfecking shatballs... Really?"

"He was taken away by Bruisers…" the woman explained, trying to pry herself away from Taji's clutches. "They just dragged him off towards the docks!"

"Now, now, dere my delic'it flowah," Taji cooed, patting the woman's hand, oblivious to the elf's constant attempts to escape. "Taji will fin' ya' fadda' fo' joo, donna' fret! Until den, le' Taji comfort joo…"

Growing weary with the situation, Dahj grabbed the troll by the shoulder and pulled her over, allowing the elf to escape with most of her chastity still intact.

"Taji, how many times do we have to go over this: Paid before laid. Not the other way around. Focus."

"So you all will go and save my husband?" the crying sin'dorei asked, clasping his hands hopefully.

Dahj, Cin and Taji balked. "He's your… husband?" Dahj asked, the words leaving a funny taste in his mouth. "Blessed Earth Mother under hoof… "

Undaunted, the man continued, hugging the female elf close. "Yes. This is our adopted daughter, Glitter. Please save Raool! I just like… love him so much!"

Sobbing ensued once more. Dahj pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Fine, whatever. But don't think we'll be doing this for free. We'll be back soon with your… mate."

Taji paused only to press a kiss onto the top of the woman's hand before falling in step besides the other two. Dahj was grumbling again.

"And all this to deliver one stupid package."

Almost as much as he hated mucus in his fur, gods how he hated the rain.

~*O*~*O*~*O*~*O*~*O*~*O*~*O*~*O*~*O*~*O*~

The trio quickly spotted the some goblins at the docks, surrounding a frail looking blood elf. Raool's situation was not looking too good. However, Dahj strode right up to the Bruisers without hesitation.

"Just let me do all the talking," he whispered to the other two as they approached and all beady goblin eyes were upon them. "I know how to deal with their kind."

"Yo!" he exclaimed, holding up a fist in greeting. "Wassuuuuuuup?"

The Bruisers exchanged looks… before simultaneously echoing, "Wasuuuuuuup?"

"What do ya' want, Dahj?" one of the goblins asked, dropping all formalities after the cordial 'wasuuup' greeting.

"We need that elf. If you could just wrap him up for us, we'll be on our way."

The goblin frowned, his eyes slowly moving between the three associates. "An' why do ya' need this elf?"

Dahj shrugged. "'Cause."

Sighing, the goblin ran a hand through his greasy hair, saying, "Look, Dahj an' company, I don't have time for yer shenanigans today, alright?"

"Okay, but seriously," the tauren continued, nodding towards the blubbering sin'dorei. "We need the elf. I mean, if it were up to me, I'd just walk away, but my wife is in nag mode right now and I just want some peace and quiet. You know how women are… always nagging from their ovaries and PMSing all over the place."

Taji shot him a look that could drop a full grown elekk dead where it stood, but Dahj was wise enough to keep his gaze averted and away from the troll's death beams.

"Dahj, if it isn't one thing with ya', it's another!" the Bruiser complained, a vein in his forehead beginning to bulge and pulsate. "I mean, how many times were we at yer place just last week? First there was the domestic disturbance between you and yer… spouse. Then that lecherous troll and her exhibitionism and public nudity. Then that elf running around high as a zep disturbing the peace—"

"And don't forget that thing with the gnomish strippers, the chili and the talbuk," Cindral interrupted, snorting a pinch of crystalline powder from the palm of his hand.

"—and that," the goblin said with a shake of his head. "I don't ever want to see anything like that ever again as long as I live…"

A nod of heads expressed the sharing of this sentiment.

"So, what did this guy do?" inquired Dahj, steering the conversation away from his past misdeeds.

"We have eye witness testimony that he was consorting with Bloodsails," the goblin replied, matter-of-factly. "Bloodsails who just moments before killed and robbed one of our own, coincidentally."

"I shwear, I so had nothing to do with it!" the elf shouted, dripping wet and flushed an even deeper shade of crimson than normal. "I'm like, innocent and junk! They tried to rob me too, but when all they found was fabrics and needles and stuff, they like, totally kicked my little caboose off their boat! That's the truth, I shwear on Lor'themar Theron's silky platinum locks!"

Dahj pulled at his braided beard. "How about we make a deal. We get back the stolen items and you let the elf go. I mean look at him… he may associate with pirates, but I guarantee you that it isn't the kind you're thinking of."

The goblin pondered this, scratching a wart on his nose absentmindedly. "Fine. Deal. Our comrade was carrying a black silk pouch containing exactly four hundred and sixty eight pieces of gold. Oh, and a picture of his family. That too. The Bloodsails' boat was last seen near the shoreline."

"Aye aye," Dahj agreed, sealing the deal by pounding the goblin's fist with his. "We'll be back. I would hold off on the cavity search until then."

Gripping his cloak closer, Dahj turned and began to head towards the shoreline, once more resigned into grumbling to himself.

The rain wasn't letting up either. Things kept getting better and better.

~*O*~*O*~*O*~*O*~*O*~*O*~*O*~*O*~*O*~*O*~

"Okey," said Taji, cracking her knuckles. "Jus' le' me do all dah punchin', ja? Taji know 'ow tah deal wit' dere kin'."

"Taj, I'm thinking that we probably don't need a full on massacre dirtying our hands right about now," Dahj chided, shaking his head at the troll's overeager enthusiasm for bloodshed. "I'm gonna' need you to bring your bloodthirst down a notch. Right about somewhere between a 'bloodbath and a 'slaughter', mmkay?"

"Well, Taji won' make no promises bu' she try 'er bes', ja!"

Dahj seemed doubtful but replied, skeptically, "Yeah… Cin, you okay man? I haven't heard you say much after you little comment about the gnomish strippers."

"Yeah, I'm like, totally fine. Really fine," Cindral gushed, eyes darting back and forth. "I'm just, you know, a little tweaked. Okayokay, I just gotta' know… is it just me or is this air like, delicious? Isn't this the most delicious air—I mean, are you tasting this air? I like, can't get enough of it! I just am like, filling my lungs with this air and it's… salty, but like, I could swear that I'm tasting life itself… does it taste sorta' 'life-y' to you? 'Cause I can't be the only one tasting this."

Dahj now remembered why he hardly ever bothered asking Cindral anything.

"Okay, so you're fine and mana-tapped out of your damn mind. I can work with that. Let's do this."

Now, anyone in the _right_ frame of mind might have come up with some elaborate, complicated plan that made them look as if they knew what the hell they were doing. But Dahj was sleepy. He had snot in his fur. He _still_ hadn't delivered the package. And, on top of all that, it was still raining. This was no time for heroics.

The trio merely walked right up the gang plank. Ready to kick ass.

"Wretched powers… tingling!" Cindral exclaimed, his skin paling at an alarming rate and his fingers curving into wicked claws.

Taja'ki pulled out her axes, twirling them in anticipatory glee, eyes beginning to glaze over with bloodlust. "Le'ssa have us a lil' fun, ja?"

"Harooooooooo!" howled Cindral, leaping into the fray with Taji fast on his heels.

Dahj scratched his butt with the box in his hand. Fighting wasn't really his thing. He let Taja'ki and Cin clear him a path before he properly boarded the ship, stepping over and around the chunky trail of gore splayed about the deck. It took only a quick survey of the captain's quarters to find the stolen items set aside to be counted, assessed and inventoried. Lucky him.

Stepping back out into the downpour, a cascade of pirate blood squirted Dahj straight in the face. Taji pushed the now headless corpse aside, running an embarrassed hand through her dripping braids.

"Whoops… Taji's bad."

Dahj tossed the goblin's belongings to the troll, scowling as he wiped at the blood staining his fur.

"Oh, that's just great. First snot, then blood… I swear, if one more bodily fluid comes in contact with me, I am shaving myself bald."

Pulling his completely useless cloak tighter about himself, Dahj grumbled, "Grab Cin and let's go."

He was almost home free… again. And the rain continued on.

~*O*~*O*~*O*~*O*~*O*~*O*~*O*~*O*~*O*~*O*~

"Here," said Dahj, tossing the goblin his comrade's money and the less important picture. "Give me the fruity elf so we can go."

"He's all yours," the Bruiser said, already nose-deep in the dead man's coin purse, motioning for his men to release the sin'dorei.

"Oh mah gosh! Thank yo--" the elf had begun, sprinting towards the tauren with arms outstretched. Dahj was quick to deny the man a hug, halting him with a hand encompassing the circumference of the elf's head.

"Save it for your manlover. And here. This is yours."

Finally, finally, finally, Dahj passed the box to Raool. Without waiting for any questions or comments, Dahj began dragging the elf back to his shop. His husband and daughter were waiting, tackling the man in a wailing, sobbing group hug. After about ten minutes of the hysterical display, Dahj began to tap his hooves loudly on the planks.

"Well, we don't have much money," Raool explained, somewhat embarrassed, "But I'd be honored if you would take the package that you delivered to me. It's the least we can do for all you've done for us."

Taji chuckled under her breath at Dahj's crestfallen expression. "Oh joy," he said, his tone dripping with acerbic sarcasm, "Gotta' love the irony though…"

Dahj took the proffered 'gift', carefully opening the top of the box. A silver cylinder was inside. He shook it, but heard nothing inside.

"What is it?" the bull asked, both suspicious and curious.

"It's a real treat!" Raool insisted, smiling encouragingly. "I get one of those sent every two days and it is just to die for! I know you'll just love it to pieces!"

Still skeptical, Dahj twisted the top slowly, almost afraid to find out what was inside. Without warning, a bubbling pink froth poured over the rim of the cylinder onto Dahj's hands and splashing onto his legs and hooves.

"It's a strawberry milkshake fresh from the farm!" Raool practically shrieked in excitement. "I just like, can't go two days without one, ya' know?"

Dahj's eye began twitching like he was afflicted with horrible face spasms. "Alright… that's it. I'm done."

Without another word, Dahj lifted the cylinder and punted it into the bay, watching it sink with a satisfying splash.

"Mission accomplished," he mumbled, turning and walking away, too tired, sticky, and annoyed to give a care anymore. He practically slammed the door to the Dumb Ox into the wall as he pushed through, glaring at the orc as he entered.

"I delivered your stupid milkshake. Pay me and get the hell out."

The orc, who had, coincidentally, been enjoying a strawberry milkshake, took one look at Dahj's expression, thought better of his indignant reply and sucked it back, quickly thrusting some coins into the tauren's outstretched hand and raced out of the tavern without a second look back.

"What happened to you?" Kishka asked from behind the counter, beginning to clean the man's glass. Taji and Cindral were bloodied and disheveled but appeared content overall. And Dahj… looked like shit on a stick. However, Kishka kept this to herself. Dahj ripped off his cloak, glaring at Taja'ki and Cindral as they both exchanged giggles at his appearance.

"Stupid happened, that's what," Dahj griped, slinging eye daggers at Kishka. "Next time there's something 'very simple' that you want me to do… I'll stay back at the tavern and _you_ do it, got it?"

Kishka stole a glance at Taji. "What's gotten into him?" she inquired, leaning closer to the troll. Taji shrugged. "Taji ca'nna no' say. Da' rain ma' folks act kinda' crazeh, ja!'"

Dahj grunted in annoyance, making his way to the door.

"Where are you going?" Kish asked, calling after him.

"Outside. Seeing as how I'm already wet, I might as well see if I can't wash this crap off me," he replied over his shoulder, pulling the door open and stepping outside…

… into sunlight.

Dahj took a deep breath.

"Fuck."

He took another deep breath.

"I hate the rain."

Another deep breath.

"… Damn this air is delicious…"


	3. Fun Times

**A/N: **Just a random little blurb about Taj and Dahj going out for a night on the town, looking for some fun.

* * *

**FUN TIMES**

"As much as I truly enjoy this wonderful magic show of those so called 'shorts' you're wearing disappearing and reappearing from the unfathomable depths of your ass crack, I must interrupt and ask, simply: Do you know where fel you're going?"

From his position behind his trollish companion, Dahj could see Taja'ki casually flip him the finger.

"Don'nah be lustin' aftah Taji's back cleavahge, ya' no good man-serpint," the troll replied, nonchalantly. "An' Taji know wher'ah she be 'eaded. Don'nah get ja' balls all inna' twist."

The tawny-furred tauren did his best to avoid looking directly into Taji's ass crack, less he be inadvertently sucked in. The pair had been friends for what seemed like ten years too many, yet Taja'ki's taste in clothes never changed. Crotch strangling woolies and a chain mail tunic that could hardly be considered 'battle ready armor' unless it was a fight for the sluttiest armor in all of whoredom.

"I don't even know why I agreed to go with you," Dahj continued to complain, tired of weaving through alleys and squeezing through darkened tunnels. "_You're_ the debauched nymphomaniac, not me. So tell me, why am I here again?"

The blue-tinged troll stopped as they came to an innocuous looking, wooden door. She slowly turned to Dahj, face completely rigid in seriousness.

"Blood elf punani. Dat's why."

Dahj's palm collided with his forehead. "Duh. Of course. I forgot how much I love getting the Willy Warts, the Crotch Critters, and my fave, the Pyro-Piss from scuzzy, skanky, whores. By all means, lead the way."

More than accustom to Dahj's querulous sarcasm, Taja'ki merely ignored her companion, shoving the door open instead of validating his cynicism with a response.

A burly orc with muscles the size of gnomes stood on the other side, blocking the duo's path. The orc's hand inched toward his weapon until, taking another look at Taji, recognition dawned on him.

"Taji! Long time no see," he greeted, wearing a large, dopey grin. "I thought you might have finally settled down or something."

"'ey dere, Grunk. An' joo know dat one wooman no'ra c'in satisfy Taji," the troll replied with a roguish grin and a cheeky wink.

"Truer words were never spoken," Grunk agreed, stepping aside to let her pass by. "By the way, whose the beef?"

A thick, green finger was rudely thrust into Dahj's face.

"Ah, dat's Taji's fre'n, Dahj. 'Im be wit me."

The orc gave Dahj a disapproving grunt, but retracted his finger, allowing the frowning tauren to follow after Taja'ki.

"Nice guy," Dahj muttered, stroking his braided beard in irritation. "It'll be a real shame when his head pops clean off the one time he accidentally shrugs a little too hard. A damn shame."

"Dahj, quit ja' gripin', ja?" Taji warned, giving him a not-so-friendly sucker punch to the arm. "Look! We 'ere!"

Rubbing at his arm broodingly, he watched as his trollish acquaintance clapped her hands together once, ran a three-digit hand through her orange hued braids and disappeared into the nearest building so fast that he was left staring at her afterimage.

"I swear she's worst than a randy dwarf at Brewfest…" Dahj murmured to himself with a sigh, slate-grey eyes rolling towards a sky that could not be seen from the underground den of immorality.

Dragging his hooves reluctantly behind him, the tauren made his way to the building Taji had entered, parting the still swaying glass, Venetian beads. It hardly surprised him to find the lecherous troll seated on a mound of satin pillows with three blood elf beauties draped across her unabashed.

"Don'nah be afraid 'o Taji's tusks, ladies," Dahj overheard Taja'ki saying, smoothly, to her enraptured audience. "Taji's wimmen always love tah grab 'em tight when dey scream an' beg fo' more, ja!"

Dahj turned away quickly, somewhat miffed that the coquettish giggling drowned out his convulsive, dry heaves.

"You okay?" a sultry voice breathed into his ear, halting the slow suicide of all memories associated with the last few moments.

Dahj found himself speechless and slack-jawed as he lifted his head and was greeted by the seraphic visage of the sin'dorei woman before him. As if surrounded by dream-fog, he gave a vague nod, certain he heard a choir of winged gnomes singing an angelic interlude.

With her magnetic, come-hither eyes and the sashay of her provocative hips, she led Dahj off to the other side of the room, using a slender finger to gently nudge him onto a cushiony loveseat.

"Good thing Taj didn't see you first," Dahj said, sedately as the woman joined him on the couch. "I'm not normally a big fan of you elves though. You look as though you might break if I so much as sneeze on you."

Like the melodic tinkling of glass, the elf giggled, covering her mouth with her hand.

And that's when Dahj spotted it.

Bobbing up and down, right in his face.

"… a-apple," Dahj stammered in a horrified whisper. The woman's laugher petered off and she tilted her head at him quizzically, confused by his sudden change in disposition.

"ADAM'S APPLE!" the tauren shouted in a manly shriek, scrambling backwards and throwing himself off the loveseat.

Turning tail from the devilish he-elf, he stumbled over to Taja'ki, trembling from hoof to horn.

Ever glad to see the face of her best friend, Taji growled menacingly, as if she were a dog and Dahj had just made the error of sticking his hand into her food bowl.

"Taj," gushed Dahj, pointing at the so-called elven females wrapped around her. "Adam's apples. They have cud-sucking Adam's apples!"

Taji quit baring her fangs long enough to take a closer look at the women. In an instant, her face paled to a near ghost-like pallor. Without a word, she leapt up, sending the "women" flying all akimbo. Seeing Taja'ki's hands twitch in the direction of her axes, Dahj grasped the troll by the arm and hauled ass until both were safely out of reach from the deceitful impostors.

"See?" Dahj panted, shoving Taji away roughly. "This is why I don't like elves. Can't ever tell the chicks from the dicks."

Taji's liquid amber gaze cut deep into the tauren as she replied, testily, "'ey, don'nah knock da elfses 'til joo try 'em."

"Pass." Dahj gave himself a violent, full-body shake, trying to dislodge the memory of the sin'dorei man's touch from his fur. "Besides, you only like them because of your sick ear fetish, you deviant freak."

Unable to do more than grin wickedly at her own perverted tastes, Taji shrugged and jovially suggested, "Lessa' go chase da' bad spirits away, ja?"

With a grudging nod, Dahj began to lurch forward. "Yeah, but you're buying the booze. And, just so you know, I'm gonna' need a tub-full so that when I become sober again, I can simply say my farewells to whatever shred of manhood I have left and drown myself."

Laughing boisterously, Taji began to steer them towards another seedy looking establishment, but suddenly stopped dead in her tracks.

"Taj, what are you--?"

Before Dahj could even finish his sentence, the amorous troll had already taken off further down the tunnel. Looking past his idiotic companion, he could see what had made Taja'ki take off so suddenly. A lone, troll female was wandering the poorly lit tunnels, which, seeing as how Taja'ki had her within her sight, was akin to a lost sheep walking right into the wolf's slobbering maw.

Dahj sighed, grumbling to himself, "I swear Taji can smell snatch from a mile away…"

"'ello dere, beau'tiful," Taji greeted, baring her sharpened, ivory fangs in a friendly smile as she approached the woman. Her right hand disappeared behind her back for a brief moment and reappeared with a single stalk of peacebloom, which she presented to the other troll.

"A flowah fo' a flowah," the line flowing suavely from Taji's silver tongue.

"Down girl," Dahj interrupted, flicking Taja'ki's ear. "One of these days, I'm gonna' remember to have you spayed."

His attention momentarily strayed from Taji to the other woman, offering her an apologetic smile.

"I'm sorry about my friend here. She's in heat. You see, women bring out the bitch in her, and she won't calm down until she's chased enough puss—"

Dahj found himself unable to finish his sentence with Taja'ki's knuckles lodged in the crevice of his first and second rib.

"Joo join Taji an' dis useless man Dahj fo' some drinks, ja?" Taji asked the woman, giving her fist one final twist before extracting it from Dahj's ribs.

Without waiting for an answer, she tossed an arm over the trollish woman's shoulders and began to lead the trio to a place where the booze was cheap and plentiful.

"Joo don'nah have no boyfre'n, ja?" Taja'ki inquired, simmering, gold eyes twinkling with amusement. "If no, joo c'in be Taji's wooman! Taji strongah an' satisfy a wooman bettah den any man! But if joo be havin' a boyfre'n…"

Taji gave the woman's shoulder a reassuring squeeze.

"Well, Taji tell joo a secret."

She leaned close, whispering mischievously into the woman's ear, "Eatin' ain't cheatin', ja feel meh?"

Brazenly winking at the woman, Taja'ki laughed bawdily, hoping that this woman would prove to be entertaining company for an already interesting night.


End file.
